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Product reviews for Sex and Love at Midlife
Sigmund Hough, PsychCRITIQUES, APA review of books - American Psychological Association
The book Sex and Love at Midlife: It`s Better Than Ever by Bernie Zilbergeld and his brother George Zilbergeld is the 2010 paperback edition of the 2004 book Better Than Ever: Love and Sex at Midlife (Zilbergeld & Zilbergeld, 2004), which was published a couple of years after Bernie`s death (he was only 62 years old). Bernie was a sex therapist for 27 years and codirector of the Sex Therapy and Counseling Unit of the University of California Medical School in San Francisco and was well known for the book Male Sexuality (1978; and the revised edition The New Male Sexuality, 1992). Sex and Love at Midlife is based on Bernie`s research and combines his clinical and life experiences to highlight the viability of lovemaking and intimacy in the maturing adult. The bottom line is that age should not be thought of as a barrier to a fulfilling sex life.
The book begins with a clear and informative chapter on myths and realities about sex and aging. Another chapter speaks to the advantages of mature sex. For believers, there is a chapter on problem solving sexual issues in relationships. For those who continue to doubt, findings are presented that a good number of men and women are having gratifying sex in long- and short-term relationships on the basis of 145 interviews with men and women, ages 45 to 87, that Bernie conducted. The goal of this book is best summarized by Bernie`s statement in the introduction, `But that`s not what is important about sex to me [quickest route to orgasm]. It`s the connection and the relating that I enjoy most of all, and that is what I have chosen to write about` (p. xxi).
One`s functional capacity at a different pace and under different circumstances does not necessarily mean or dictate the final chapter in one`s life. The challenge seems to be once you get started . . . how do you keep it going? One key element may be the groundwork of a secure emotional partnership that carries the desire, love, and care for one another over the lifetime and not just the moment. Another challenge is for those who never get started for a multitude of reasons, whether due to skill deficits, lack of interest, or chance. However, if one views each day as an opportunity, then midlife and beyond provide an opening for change. Within the book are rich stories and narratives detailing techniques and offering means to enhance our openness for relationship beyond what was once thought of as our `prime.`
A central theme from those successful and those not successful in satisfaction in later years have to do with the insight that unfortunately, too many of us are locked into the `certain program` of life`s first half. . . .
We turn the second half into a `midlife crisis` by pretending that everything is supposed to stay the same-only to discover, to our surprise, that nothing does stay the same. (Gerzon,1996, p. 13)
Flexibility in emotional thought and behavior is needed to go forward. However, not everything gets left behind. In childhood, we are taught to play, laugh, share, love, work, develop friendships, avoid harmful relationships, have dessert, eat what is best for you despite how it tastes, and to grow as strong as possible.
It seems that these basics could easily relate to the new landscape of midlife and later years. If sexuality and intimacy are stripped of the pressure of performance, mission, and approval, we are left with the activities of play and relationship. When we were younger, the message was that play entails an inborn disposition for curiosity, imagination, and fantasy (Elkind, 2007). The message is actually the answer for our adult years as well. This inborn
disposition can revitalize us in later years if we allow it to surface, actualize, and develop.
If one finds the glass half full, the course of life provides opportunities for new skills and experiences. This is not a novel concept but one that easily gets lost in the hierarchy of society`s and daily living`s priorities. One path is filled with complaining, judging, and attempts to change others. The other path is filled with openness, understanding, and appreciation for differences. Choosing the latter life path brings the potential to not be impaired or weakened but embraced and strengthened by life`s vicissitudes and transformations. In the journey, having a book such as Sex and Love at Midlife in your survival kit enhances the likelihood of choosing the right path.
The book begins with a clear and informative chapter on myths and realities about sex and aging. Another chapter speaks to the advantages of mature sex. For believers, there is a chapter on problem solving sexual issues in relationships. For those who continue to doubt, findings are presented that a good number of men and women are having gratifying sex in long- and short-term relationships on the basis of 145 interviews with men and women, ages 45 to 87, that Bernie conducted. The goal of this book is best summarized by Bernie`s statement in the introduction, `But that`s not what is important about sex to me [quickest route to orgasm]. It`s the connection and the relating that I enjoy most of all, and that is what I have chosen to write about` (p. xxi).
One`s functional capacity at a different pace and under different circumstances does not necessarily mean or dictate the final chapter in one`s life. The challenge seems to be once you get started . . . how do you keep it going? One key element may be the groundwork of a secure emotional partnership that carries the desire, love, and care for one another over the lifetime and not just the moment. Another challenge is for those who never get started for a multitude of reasons, whether due to skill deficits, lack of interest, or chance. However, if one views each day as an opportunity, then midlife and beyond provide an opening for change. Within the book are rich stories and narratives detailing techniques and offering means to enhance our openness for relationship beyond what was once thought of as our `prime.`
A central theme from those successful and those not successful in satisfaction in later years have to do with the insight that unfortunately, too many of us are locked into the `certain program` of life`s first half. . . .
We turn the second half into a `midlife crisis` by pretending that everything is supposed to stay the same-only to discover, to our surprise, that nothing does stay the same. (Gerzon,1996, p. 13)
Flexibility in emotional thought and behavior is needed to go forward. However, not everything gets left behind. In childhood, we are taught to play, laugh, share, love, work, develop friendships, avoid harmful relationships, have dessert, eat what is best for you despite how it tastes, and to grow as strong as possible.
It seems that these basics could easily relate to the new landscape of midlife and later years. If sexuality and intimacy are stripped of the pressure of performance, mission, and approval, we are left with the activities of play and relationship. When we were younger, the message was that play entails an inborn disposition for curiosity, imagination, and fantasy (Elkind, 2007). The message is actually the answer for our adult years as well. This inborn
disposition can revitalize us in later years if we allow it to surface, actualize, and develop.
If one finds the glass half full, the course of life provides opportunities for new skills and experiences. This is not a novel concept but one that easily gets lost in the hierarchy of society`s and daily living`s priorities. One path is filled with complaining, judging, and attempts to change others. The other path is filled with openness, understanding, and appreciation for differences. Choosing the latter life path brings the potential to not be impaired or weakened but embraced and strengthened by life`s vicissitudes and transformations. In the journey, having a book such as Sex and Love at Midlife in your survival kit enhances the likelihood of choosing the right path.
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10/03/2011 00:00
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